My biological Father has come back into my life... I think. I got a random message from him on Facebook the other day, and then we started to talk. Which if you know me, you know this is a big deal. There is more to the story than I am going to say. He wants to be back in my life, and wants to have a relationship with me. My head is saying " No Skye, he has hurt you too much, and you will just get hurt again if you go into this." But my heart is yearning for a relationship with him. And then I am struggling with the feelings that I don't want to replace my step Father who has, for the past 14 years been the most amazing Dad to me. He has asked for me to forgive him, and to start over... How do I do that? How do I take all the hurt, and pain, and tears from the past 22 years, and forgive a man who, in some peoples eyes doesn't deserve a second chance to be a Father. I made a decision yesterday after talking to him, that I was going to make him suffer in a way to gain a relationship with me. He was going to have to gain my trust, and jump threw hoops to have a relationship with me. And that was final. Until I was standing in the shower thinking about this intense totally random conversation with my Father. And I thought to myself, sure that's a great way to start, he deserves to go through some pain for all the pain he caused me; and then I thought, is that what God wants me to do? Is that the essence of forgiveness? Does forgiveness means that you hang the wrong doing over that persons head, until they have jumped through enough hoops for you to be satisfied? Does it mean that you make them pay for doing wrong towards you? When God forgives us, is it conditional?
Psalms 103:2-5 " Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
The Bible tells us to forgive like God forgives us. It also says to TRUST in the Lord with all your heart mind and strength. I have been praying for healing in regards to my Father. And then when the opportunity is dropped in my lap, I feel like dropping it, and running for the hills. How do we have a right to decide who we can forgive, and who we can shun for the rest of our lives? How can we say " God teach me how to be merciful, and forgive, and slow to anger like you" And yet when he gives us a chance, we laugh and say yeah right I'm not doing that! How can I sit here, type these words, and believe that this happening in my life is from God, and yet be terrified to forgive? How can I reserve the right to decide what my heart needs, and what it doesn't, when God knows me better than I know my self?
Does everyone deserve a second chance? Do we deserve a second chance after we have screwed up? Does someone deserve a second chance at love? Does a criminal deserve a second chance at life? Does a Father deserve a second shot at loving a daughter? The world says no, what does God say?
There is a difference between forgiveness and trust. Psalm 103 sums forgiveness up so perfectly. But trust is earned. I will pray for you as you walk through this that you would have wisdom.
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