My Sister, My Friend

I have been thinking a lot lately about friendships. About the friends that I have had in my life, currently in my life, and just coming into my life. For some reason the subject has been on my mind a lot lately, and I have been wanting to blog about it, but couldn't find the words, until tonight.

I have always been blessed socially. I had amazing friends growing up, and I always manage to run into someone I know out in everyday life. Simply because I was active. I wasn't shy, and I loved spending time with people. Most importantly, I loved making them laugh, and being able to be there for them when they needed someone. I felt satisfied knowing that my friends turned to me when they were going through a hard time. My friendship circle has just gotten deeper in my late teens into my adult hood. I have a handful of friends that have been in my life 10+ years. We understand eachother. We turn to eachother. We love eachother. I never understood why this happened to me. Why I needed to be surrounded all the time by people I loved. Why it was hard for me to be alone. And why I, growing up had many many friends. Until tonight. As women, we crave friends. We need to have friends in our lives. It's in us. The craziest part is this. There is no way that your husband(if your married) or children can ever provide you with the relational satifaction and intimacy that you need. Sure, they are everything else for you. But there is something about women friends that draws us in. We need that relationship.

Things change when you get married, have children, move out. Circumstances change, situations change, and sometimes friendships change. But the best part is this. We can change with it. We choose to follow. We choose to stand up, and change with the world, and not lose what is precious to us. We adapt to things. I read in a book tonight, these two lines that floored me.

"Women friends become the face of God to one another- the face of grace, of delight, of mercy" (Captivating Pg. 404)
"When God gives a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart. It is a chance to mother and to sister, to be a life giver, to help someone else become the women she is created to be, to walk alongside her and call her deep heart forth"(Captivating Pg 405)

And I thought, that's it! To be entrusted with someone's heart. To be rational. To be lovely. To be delighed in. To be gracious. To be heavenly. A women's heart is a vast and beautiful thing. One that is complicated, beautiful, and worth seeking out. To be pursued. Friendship is worth fighting for. It's worth that extra 5 minutes to write someone a nice note. To call someone first instead of waiting for a call. To spend "face time" with eachother. It, like women's hearts need to be pursued. Needs to be nurtured. The line "to be a life giver" made me think really hard about it. Being a life giver is more than having children. It's a priveledge that we as women hold. Don't get me wrong, men are life givers too. It's that support that you need. It's that life altering touch. The mother's heart in all of us.

"Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God." Ruth 1:16

There are women in my life, who, have touched my heart in amazing ways. Who have held my hand, while we sit in silence and cry, totally understanding, that in that moment that's what I needed. Women that hug me a little bit longer, just because. There is understanding, love, mercy, grace, forgiveness. Friendships that have stood the test of time. Women who have blessed my life. To those women, I say thank you. Thank you for pursuing, for entrusting me with your heart. Friendship truly is a gift. Thank you friends, for being just that, my friends.

Life

Life. One word. Yet wrapt up in it means so much. I often think abot life. Remember. Laugh about. Cry about. Life. If you would have told me 6 years ago what my life would look like now, I would not believe you. To think about the things I have done, and accomplished, and let slip out of my fingers. And yet I think, really, is this my life? Wasn't I suppose to be married at 20, and kids at 23? Wasn't I suppose to go to school in the States on a full ride scholarship? Wasn't I suppose to be this amazing person who had everything together? Apparently not.

I had my life all figured out. I really did. I was going to do all the things listed above. I was going to go to University in the USA on a full ride scholarship. And there I was going to meet my husband, and we were going to move back to Canada. I was going to have everything figured out. Be responsible, be healthy, be good with money, and be organized, and have dinner ready on the table every night. And yet, I find myself, sleeping in till 11, doing nothing with my day, not working and frusterated. Two opposite ends of the spectra. I would never have imagined which of my friends married who they have, or that they would have the kids they do. Or that my parents were to move away, and I would be left on my own trying to figure out something that should have been figured out years ago. I would not have imagined the friends I still have, the ones I don't, and the new ones in my life.

There is an ache in my heart. I don't know what it is. I want to. But I don't want to spend the time figuring out what it is. I want to know now. I want to understand why my life has worked out this way. Why I have made the decisions I have. I want nothing more than to be the person that God created me to be. And yet I can't help feeling so far from it. Some days, I look at people in my life, the decisions I made, and think, why can't I have what they have? Why can't I have a family, and be skinny, and be in good relationship with people and God. Jealousy? I guess you can call it that. Frusteration? You can call it that too. All I know is that there is something much bigger going on in my life than just me. And I need to figure it out. I need to feel accomplished. Like, I have done something right with my life. My mom always says that life is a learning curve, but I don't understand why you need to learn everything the hard way!

Unchartered Waters

I have been living on my own for almost 10 months now. I have been paying my own bills, putting food in my fridge, and paying my rent on time. I am officially an adult, according to the age, and the responsibilities that are included in being an adult. And yet, at this very point in time, I feel intimidated. In unchartered waters so to speak. There is stepping out in faith... And then there is stepping out, totally missing the edge, and falling on your face. So when you feel confident about something, when you feel like this is the right thing to do, why is there so much doubt? Why do I feel so scared to step out, and do this? I find myself sitting here researching prices, and names on google. Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to try and start my own business? YES. Wait... WHAT?! God has put so many things in our lives. Our own special gifts, memories, families, friends, ideas. I want to think this is from God. But how am I to be sure? There is nothing that would make me happier than helping out Mom's. I think about it, and it makes me excited. I was born to serve people. I was born to work with children. To put the two of them together, sounds like it should be perfect. And yet I think, God I don't know how to do this! I don't know how to start my own business. To get out there, and get things done. To start a website, to charge people for helping them. AHHH

I have been working really hard lately to change the way I trust God, the way I look at myself, and the way I talk. So hard! Sometimes I feel like crawling into a hole, and just stay there for a long long time. Hoping that when I return out of it, my life will have been figured out for me, and decisions made. "I'm just going to do it!" and then " what am I thinking! How do I do that!!" MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN!!

I will step out in faith. I will start this business. And I will trust that the Lord will guide me through this.

Friends, and babies

So today, I spent the afternoon with a friend of mine, and her daughter. We really haven't had a chance to see a lot of eachother, and that makes me sad. I was sitting there watching her feed her daughter, and talk with her, and play with her. And all I could think about, and feel was gratitude, appreciation, and love. How it was possible, that, even after she cried non stop for almost an hour, she still loves her daughter. That even though she goes, and touches things she isn't suppose to, she still loves her daughter. That no matter what, that love with last. I often find myself at a house of a friend who, is married, and with children. I also often find myself, sitting and thinking about the fact that 5 years ago, these amazing women were simply, just my friends. That 5 years ago, we could call eachother up, and say, hey, lets go out tonight and do something crazy. Or lets go just for fun across the border to see my family for an hour, and then come back and be late for our curfews. Or I had a really rough day, can we talk? And now, here I sit in their living rooms, watching them play with their children, or discipline their children while their husbands are hard at work. And the most amazing thing about this is, that none of them say no to me when I ask to hang out. None of them will say, oh Skye, you know what I'm really busy, and I'm a Mom now, and don't have time for you. No. They welcome me into their homes. It's hard for me to believe that out of my entire Church family friendship circle, I am one of the only ones left that isn't married. Which, is fine by me, but how quickly life changes. Life changes fast. It makes amazing changes, life altering changes, and if you don't hurry up, you'll miss the train. I admire my friends, I admire the choices they make, the life they have chosen, and that above all, they listen to the voice of the Lord. I find it amazing to watch them discipline their children, to watch them step up into the role of a Mom so naturally. This is what life is about. Embrassing change. Embrassing friends with babies. And, embrassing love. For without friends, and without love there would be no joy.

Teaching About Prayer

This morning I woke up, and felt an urge in my Spirit. I couldn't explain it, and couldn't understand it. But I went to the kitchen table, took my laptop out, and put some worship music on. I took out my Bible, and notebook, unsure of what to read, or write down. I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with God. How frusterating it can be for me. How much I want to be closer. And how to get there. This morning I realized why I have been stuck in the same rut my whole life. I don't know how to have devotions. Silly? Maybe. But true. I have been in Church my whole life. Raised in a good Christian home, even went to Interns. And yet, give me a Bible, and a notebook, or worship music, and I am stuck. I couldn't believe it. It makes me feel like a bad Christian! And yet I know that devotions, and time with the Lord is a key element to having a relationship. Just like any relationship in your life. It takes time. So, here I was time on my hands, worship music playing, and my Bible infront of me. Now what Lord? Well being the brilliant person I am, I thought, probably opening my Bible would be the smartest thing. So I opened it up, randomly, to any page. This is where I turned...

Luke 11 "Teaching about Prayer"
( Oh Lord, your so funny! Of course I would turn here is what I thought) The verse that stood out to me.

11:9-10 " And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will recieve what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door with be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

I love how God works. I love that no matter what, he has our back. That there is encouragment when we need it. And support where we turn. We serve a great God!

Heart Of Worship

I have been reading the book "Captivated" by Stasi Eldredge. If you haven't read it, you should pick up a copy. It has come to my realization through reading this book that, there are a lot of things wrong in my life. I could have told you that without reading the book, but the book has just emphasized it. I have been focusing so much of my energy lately on the things that are going wrong in my life. My job, my finances, my relationship with God. Anything and everything that one could worry about, I'm doing. And yet, I wonder why nothing is going right in my life. How it seems like nothing can line up, and work out the way its suppose to. Then I read this line in the book today... "Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. " (Hos. 2:6-7) So in other words, God will thrawt our efforts to find life apart from him. Wow. Simple, yet it still floors me. I have often struggled with thoughts like, I can do this on my own. Sure it's great to have God in my life, but I am an adult, I should be able to make things happen on my own. And yet, I always longed for a deeper, intimate relationship with God. 

We continually ask God to be our provider, and help us through situations, and yet, when things worked out the way we had been praying they will, we are in shock. " I can't believe that we found a house that we wanted, with everything for so cheap!" Or " I found the greatest car" etc etc. And yet, I sit here writing this wondering, why is nothing going the right way in my life! Why can I not find a  job, or why has my WCB not kicked in? Why am I continually every month faced with a dead line of finances, and unable to meet it? I want more than anything to rely on God to be my provider, and yet, I have the hardest time believing that things will work out the way they should. Even though there are so many testiments in my life about how the Lord has brought favour to my life... Oh yeh of little faith...

Oh Lord, guide my footsteps!!

Beautiful Love.

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, and I don't know if I have a point to this blog, or if it is just to get my thoughts out, and be vulnerable.

As little girls some of us grow up wanting to become princesses, some to be queens, and some dream about the day that they walk down the isle and get married. I personally wasn't one of those girls. I mean sure I do dream about the day that I get married, but I don't have it all planned out in my head from when I was little. These feelings, and dreams have only just come about in the past few years.

Growing up, I had a great life, I was blessed with good social skills, and quickly became popular, and everyone loved me. I look back at this now, and I truly believe it wasn't because of my "social skills" but I 100% believe it to be 2 things. My Mom, doing an AMAZING job raising me, and the Lord. I'm sure your all nodding your heads saying "duh Skye, how else do you have success in your life." But this is the thing, I don't say this to be boastful (sp?) or pump my ego up, but you can ask many of my friends, or parents; people remember me. They remember me from sports, or being the tallest girl they ever knew. But mostly, they remember me for my personality, and the love I show people. The Lord truly blessed me with the ability to touch peoples lives in a very unique and special way. I was never considered to be a "hottie" as some teens call it, but I was always considered one of the boys. I grew up, dressing, acting, and hanging out with boys. Although I do have a solid core of girl friends from elementary who I still have a strong friendship with today. I'm am now 22 years old, and I find myself still dressing, sometimes acting, and hanging out with boys. See some kids when they grow up, have something that they are attatched to for security. i.e a security blanket, stuffed animal, or a family pet. My security was dressing like a boy. I find that when I put those guys clothes on that even if I was made fun of, it didn't matter. Because I had chosen to dress this way. I had chosen to act like one of the guys. To be heavily involved with sports, and cars, and things of guys nature. But the truth of the matter was it was tearing my up inside. I constantly found myself everyday whether it was elementary or high school surrounded by gorgeous girls, who dressed beautifully. Many of whom are my best friends today. I felt often times like the ugly duckling in my group. I was always set apart. I dressed differently, never had a boyfriend, never drank, or went to parties, and was very sensitive towards situations. You would never know to look at me, or even talk to me, but I was screaming inside. Deep down somewhere, I know there is a little girl that wants to be treated like a princess, that wants to be swept away by her prince. And yet at age 22 I am still struggling with this issue.

What does it mean to be beautiful? Beautiful people, beautiful cars, beautiful scenery... beautiful heart. Why is it that today, women as a gender have such a struggle believing they are beautiful. And I'm not talking about worldly women. I'm talking about Christian women. We were created in the image of the most gracious, loving, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL God. What does that mean to us? That means that we have the ability inside our hearts to be gracious, and loving, and wonderful, and BEAUTIFUL. And yet most of us run at the thought of embrassing beauty. The thought of beauty scares me. Not because I don't want to be beautiful, but because beauty means you have to be vulnerable. You have to let someone in to love you.

Anyone can put clothes on, and be beautiful. Put makeup on and be stunning. I have watched friends go through phases in their lives. Whether it be discovering their taste in clothes, dealing with things, and overcoming boundaries. And yet I find myself stuck in the same phase. Unable to allow myself to be beautiful. Unable to allow God to work on my heart, to make me beautiful. I want someone to fight for me. Fight for my heart, fight for everything that I believe in. And yet, I won't take the steps to get there. I won't go through the fire.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory