Life

Life. One word. Yet wrapt up in it means so much. I often think abot life. Remember. Laugh about. Cry about. Life. If you would have told me 6 years ago what my life would look like now, I would not believe you. To think about the things I have done, and accomplished, and let slip out of my fingers. And yet I think, really, is this my life? Wasn't I suppose to be married at 20, and kids at 23? Wasn't I suppose to go to school in the States on a full ride scholarship? Wasn't I suppose to be this amazing person who had everything together? Apparently not.

I had my life all figured out. I really did. I was going to do all the things listed above. I was going to go to University in the USA on a full ride scholarship. And there I was going to meet my husband, and we were going to move back to Canada. I was going to have everything figured out. Be responsible, be healthy, be good with money, and be organized, and have dinner ready on the table every night. And yet, I find myself, sleeping in till 11, doing nothing with my day, not working and frusterated. Two opposite ends of the spectra. I would never have imagined which of my friends married who they have, or that they would have the kids they do. Or that my parents were to move away, and I would be left on my own trying to figure out something that should have been figured out years ago. I would not have imagined the friends I still have, the ones I don't, and the new ones in my life.

There is an ache in my heart. I don't know what it is. I want to. But I don't want to spend the time figuring out what it is. I want to know now. I want to understand why my life has worked out this way. Why I have made the decisions I have. I want nothing more than to be the person that God created me to be. And yet I can't help feeling so far from it. Some days, I look at people in my life, the decisions I made, and think, why can't I have what they have? Why can't I have a family, and be skinny, and be in good relationship with people and God. Jealousy? I guess you can call it that. Frusteration? You can call it that too. All I know is that there is something much bigger going on in my life than just me. And I need to figure it out. I need to feel accomplished. Like, I have done something right with my life. My mom always says that life is a learning curve, but I don't understand why you need to learn everything the hard way!