Have Your Way

Have you ever had one of those nights where everything just seems to come into perspective, and your positive outlook on life seems to crash down and land at your feet? We haven't even started interns, and I'm already stressing out about EVERYTHING. "Lord, I don't know how to be that kind of leader, I can't remember to do all that, I can't be that organized..." Tonight I stand at a cross road, I can either trust the Lord with everything I have. With my finances, and with my earthly abilities. Or I can take the other road and continues to freak out, and want to just give up and cry. Sometimes the pressures of life come crashing into my head, paying bills, keeping fit, paying bills, trusting the heart of God. I want so badly to take the road of trusting God, but it just feels like I have been in this same spot for forever. Finding a job seems to be an Olympic sport to me. It's like an impossible feet or something! I know that God provides, I know that he promised to be there. And yet tonight I feel so behind. I feel like I need to crawl under my bed and stay there for the rest of my life. I feel like I can never get my head above water with anything. It seems to be a constant battle with finances. I hate the thoughts of doubt that creep in while this is going on. "Well God, maybe interns really wasn't a great idea. I don't think you really thought this one through..." Trust in the Lord with all your heart. HOW!? God this feels impossible! I feel like everytime I blog, I have this amazing song that ties into my blog... And yet again, I have one. The Lord speaks to me through music maybe. This time it's a song by Britt Nicole.

Have Your Way
Feels like I've been here forever why can't you just intervein? Can you see the tears keep falling and I'm falling apart at the seams. You never said the road would be easy, but you said that you would never leave. And you never promised that this life wasn't hard, but you promised you'd take care of me. So I'll stop searching for the answers. I'll stop praying for an escape, and I'll trust you God with where I am and believe that you'll have your way. When my friends and my family have left me, and I feel so ashamed and so cold remind me you take the beautiful things and turn them into beautiful. So I'll stop searching for the answers. I'll stop praying for an escape, and I'll trust you God with where I am and believe that you'll have your way. Even if my dreams have died, and even if I don't survive I'll still worship you with all my life.

Love Has Called

Today, September 12, 2009. 4 days till Interns start.... I sit as I write this, in my new home. A home that God provided, my youth Pastor found, and that I love. I listen as my new sisters run around upstairs, and as the dog barks at them because she wants to join in. I sit and think "can this really all be happening?" Could I at 22 years old be thrust into an environment with two crazy sisters, and amazing parents? After having already "grown up" with my parents? Could I at 22 have a curfew? Have to ask permission to go out again, and make sure that I'm home in time for dinner, and be setting a good example for a 10 and 12 year old who watch my every move? It feels so wierd, and yet so natural. After 12 days, I already feel like they are my family. I feel attatched. I don't know what I would do without them. I will fight for them.

I don't know how it will happen, what the year will look like, how many times I will want to quit, how many times I cry or how many times frusteration will over take me. But I know this. I love the Lord, my Church, my leadership, and I long to see a generation changed. And I don't know a better place to start. Than in a class room, with 6 people that I don't really know, and 9 months of intense discipleship. I think about my two sisters who will soon be involved with youth, going to highschool, and growing up. It's worth fighting for. It's worth balling my eyes out on the floor, it's worth being so frusterated with life, doing fundraisers in the rain,it's all worth it. Because if we don't fight for the next generation, and for our generation than who will? If I don't fight for my sisters, than who will? If I don't prove to them that there is more to life than the boy that dumped water on them at lunch, or the friend that is talking about them behind their back, and that you don't have to dress that way, or look that way to be popular. That when the world turns its back on them, I won't. That they are beautiful, inside and out. That through it all, they are WORTH it. They are worth it all, the tears, and frusteration, the fight. Because someone once fought for me. Someone took the time, and proved to me that I was worth it. I will do the same for them.


1 Corinthians 13:7 " Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance"

Worship

I'm sitting in my room with worship music on, trying to worship and thoughts keep flooding my head. Things I need to do, things I need to remember etc etc. My heart hurts right now. Because I want and need to get into worship. I want so desperately to meet God everyday in worship, find a special place. Yet everytime no matter where I am, I find myself getting caught up in everything else but worship. I lift my hands at the right times, I jump on que, and yet I'm just another soul searching. I've done it a thousand times. Stood in Church, cried as a song touched me, stood listening to worship, and watched other people get touched by God. Of course there have been times when I have been touched by God in worship, and things happened. I need consistency, I need GOD. I don't need fancy worship songs, or amazing singers, or guitar players, I need GOD. Plain and simple. No one else can touch my life the way He can. I will praise you through this storm... Sometimes it blows my mind how hard I find it to get into worship. Sometimes I catch myself just staring into space standing there. There Lord will guide my footsteps, and I will win this battle. As of tonight, I will continue to worship, because that's what you do. You worship in spirit and in truth. We worship because He is worthy. And we worship because He is our GOD.

" Walk towards me, I want to hear, the heavens singing over you. When you breath look at me, I want to be captured by you. Gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. Slip your hand in mine, ask me to dance with you tonight, just ask me for my love. I want to hide what's deep in my eyes, I'm scared to be known by you. When I turn my head and see you there, I want to be pursued. Gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for me love. Slip your hand in mine, ask me to dance with you tonight. A dream I won't wake from, a story that will never end, the ground your feet walk on let me be there."
-Bethany Dillon For My Love