There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, and I don't know if I have a point to this blog, or if it is just to get my thoughts out, and be vulnerable.
As little girls some of us grow up wanting to become princesses, some to be queens, and some dream about the day that they walk down the isle and get married. I personally wasn't one of those girls. I mean sure I do dream about the day that I get married, but I don't have it all planned out in my head from when I was little. These feelings, and dreams have only just come about in the past few years.
Growing up, I had a great life, I was blessed with good social skills, and quickly became popular, and everyone loved me. I look back at this now, and I truly believe it wasn't because of my "social skills" but I 100% believe it to be 2 things. My Mom, doing an AMAZING job raising me, and the Lord. I'm sure your all nodding your heads saying "duh Skye, how else do you have success in your life." But this is the thing, I don't say this to be boastful (sp?) or pump my ego up, but you can ask many of my friends, or parents; people remember me. They remember me from sports, or being the tallest girl they ever knew. But mostly, they remember me for my personality, and the love I show people. The Lord truly blessed me with the ability to touch peoples lives in a very unique and special way. I was never considered to be a "hottie" as some teens call it, but I was always considered one of the boys. I grew up, dressing, acting, and hanging out with boys. Although I do have a solid core of girl friends from elementary who I still have a strong friendship with today. I'm am now 22 years old, and I find myself still dressing, sometimes acting, and hanging out with boys. See some kids when they grow up, have something that they are attatched to for security. i.e a security blanket, stuffed animal, or a family pet. My security was dressing like a boy. I find that when I put those guys clothes on that even if I was made fun of, it didn't matter. Because I had chosen to dress this way. I had chosen to act like one of the guys. To be heavily involved with sports, and cars, and things of guys nature. But the truth of the matter was it was tearing my up inside. I constantly found myself everyday whether it was elementary or high school surrounded by gorgeous girls, who dressed beautifully. Many of whom are my best friends today. I felt often times like the ugly duckling in my group. I was always set apart. I dressed differently, never had a boyfriend, never drank, or went to parties, and was very sensitive towards situations. You would never know to look at me, or even talk to me, but I was screaming inside. Deep down somewhere, I know there is a little girl that wants to be treated like a princess, that wants to be swept away by her prince. And yet at age 22 I am still struggling with this issue.
What does it mean to be beautiful? Beautiful people, beautiful cars, beautiful scenery... beautiful heart. Why is it that today, women as a gender have such a struggle believing they are beautiful. And I'm not talking about worldly women. I'm talking about Christian women. We were created in the image of the most gracious, loving, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL God. What does that mean to us? That means that we have the ability inside our hearts to be gracious, and loving, and wonderful, and BEAUTIFUL. And yet most of us run at the thought of embrassing beauty. The thought of beauty scares me. Not because I don't want to be beautiful, but because beauty means you have to be vulnerable. You have to let someone in to love you.
Anyone can put clothes on, and be beautiful. Put makeup on and be stunning. I have watched friends go through phases in their lives. Whether it be discovering their taste in clothes, dealing with things, and overcoming boundaries. And yet I find myself stuck in the same phase. Unable to allow myself to be beautiful. Unable to allow God to work on my heart, to make me beautiful. I want someone to fight for me. Fight for my heart, fight for everything that I believe in. And yet, I won't take the steps to get there. I won't go through the fire.
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory
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thanks for sharing this with us.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote "And yet most of us run at the thought of embrassing beauty."
At first I thought it said "embarrassing beauty" and I thought that was a unique way to say it. We are afraid that our version of beautiful won't cut it. That we would embarrass what is the very definition of beautiful and Beauty itself will laugh and say, "Ha, good try."