Understanding The Heart

There are many things in life that I do not understand. I don't understand love. I don't understand the friends I have in my life. I don't understand math. I don't understand why I can never seem to get my act together, and be disceplined in my life. And I don't understand the yearnings (sp?) in my heart. There are so many things that my heart desires. To be the best possible daughter, friend, and listener. To one day stand before my friends and family, and get married. To have children of my own. To feel amazing about my self. And to be the person that God created me to be. Lots of other things as well.

I didn't understand why I had all these things inside of me. Why I had the unique name out of all my friends in school. Why I was abnormally tall. Why I was so good at sports. Or why, for some reason, everyone remembers me. I always thought that I was crazy for wanting some of those things. That some of them would never happen. And I realized that those things are there for a reason. They were put there by God. The craziest part is that they are promises from God. Promises to be great. Great in the things that He has given me. And that I am destined for. The heart is a crazy thing. Not many of us sit to pay attention to it. A fragile, delicate part of us. That has the ability to show people amazing things. And the ability to be crushed, so easily. Our heart is truly how we communicate. If we have a stone cold heart, than we, ourselves are cold, with no love. I communicate with people in my life based on the love I have for them in my heart. At the same time, the power the heart holds is incredible. Jesus said " I stand at the door and knock". The door of our heart. We have the power to open that door. We have the power to show people love, to bless them, to speak words of affirmation. Everyones heart is different, and yet, we were created for the same purpose. Love.

Read 1 Corinthians 13. Don't just read it. Absorb it into your soul. Into your heart. We were put on this earth to love (among other things.) Our greatest gift is love. " All for love a Father gave, for only love can make a way. All for love the heavens cried, for love was crucified."

Alive In This Moment

This evening, I discovered my old cd's. The cd's that my friends and I used to cruise around listening to in my car. Many many songs that bring back memories. Everything from Hillsongs, to Raze. Memories flooded my mind, tears filled my eyes. Many songs which I have shared with friends. Dear friends. Friends that sat in my car, and cried with me. Friends that rolled down the windows, turn up the volume, and sang along. And friends that sat in silence with me, as we let the Lord touch our hearts with these songs. There are several songs that play now, and my mind rushes back to the time and place that I have shared them with. Summers where, for all of it, we played the same cd over, and over again. And everytime we did, it touched us in a new way. And songs, that simply just bring tears to my eyes from the beautiful words. The true words. The words that, at that moment, seem to match up so well to my situation. Tonight, I discovered. Tonight, I remembered. Tonight, I cried. Not for my friends, but for my heart. My heart that for so long was struggling with issues. My heart, that was scared to get hurt. That didn't want to seem vulnerable, allowing myself to be open, and honest with my friends, and myself. My heart that for so long wouldn't let things goes. Wouldn't let people in. Wouldn't let one particular individual in. Tonight, I let Him in. I wasn't planning it. All I wanted to do was reload my iTunes with Christian music. To get my phone charged, and put the songs onto my phone. I don't know what the tears mean. I don't know why they fall down my face. I don't understand. I just know that I feel release. From something that I didn't even know was there.

"Once again, for the very first time, my eyes are opening." In this moment, I am found, I am alive, and I belong.

This is the song that I re-discovered. Read the lines. But not the sake of reading them. Let them captivate you.

Alive In This Moment- Starfield

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have said these words or cried these tears
And like a child would come I run into our secret place
And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

I am alive in this moment
In this moment I am found
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I belong

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have heard You speak or let You near
And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide
Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life

Here only one fire burns, it burns
Here only one melody is heard
Once again for the very first time
My eyes are opening

He Is Always Faithful

I had one of those "Ah ha!" moments today. One that I should have already had, and one that should not have been such a shocker to me! God is ALWAYS faithful. Sit, think, ponder. Cause really a lot of us will say " yeah, I totally knew that!" But take an extra minute, and think about what that really means. I looked up the word "Faithful" in the dictionary, to get a better grasp of things.

1. Strict or thorough in the performance of ones duty.
2. True to one's word, promises, vows
3. Steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant
4. Reliable, trusted, or beloved
5. Adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original

Here is the part that grabs me the most about these. All 5 of these explinations are God. This was dictionary.com that I found this. I didn't look it up in a bible reference, or anything to do with one.

A very close friend of mine (and many of you) is getting married on Saturday. She has been waiting her entire life for this moment. To walk down the isle, to a man that loves her unconditionally, with no boundaries. For who she is, what she represents, and her heart. She has faithfully been seeking God. She has faithfully been praying about marriage. And in everything she does, she believes that the Lord will come through. And in return He is faithful to her. Why do I say this? Simple, because no matter what God is faithful. Even if it takes years and years, He, will come through for us. He is true to his word. He will be faithful to be, and you, and her on Saturday. Faithfulness is wrapped up in Love. Because He loves us, He is faithful. Because I love my friends, I am faithful to them. Because I love my family, I am faithful to them.

Funny things

Often time I sit and think about life. Of course since I'm so old, and have much to think about! Life is an interesting thing. An adventure, a learning curve, an amazing story. This week I have been thinking a lot about God. About teachings, about praying, about trusting, about healing, and about love. I think about the fact that I have been not working for almost 2 months now. I think God is telling me to find another place of employment, bringing things up for me to do. And then I sit back and think, what if I am totally miss interpretting what God is saying. What if I am totally making things up in my head that sound good? What if I was suppose to return to work 6 weeks ago? What if? Which then brings me to the thoughts like, you need to trust God Skye. You need to realize that He is your provider. You need to remember everything you have learned in Church, Interns, life, circumstances, and from friends. And yet, I find myself still struggling SO much trying to trust God to be my provider. To understand that He will bring good things. And yet, I decide to continually run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to figure life out. On my own.

I have a 3.5 month of kitten. Her name is Bella. She is my baby. I love her with all my heart, and appreciate her unconditional love. Bella has finally discovered that there are hamsters sitting on our window ledge in the living room. But she isn't wanting to play with them, or eat them. She wants to sit up there beside them, and watch the world from up there. This is not the way it works in my house. If she is up there, she gets a smack. Two days ago, I discovered her amazing ability to jump from the ground to the window ledge. Which is a good 5 feet in the air. So, I took her down, used my angry voice, and smacked her on the bum. Twice. And said "No Bella, bad girl" So she coward away, and was very distraught with life. Later she came up to me, her normal loving self, cuddled with me while I watched tv. Later that night I am lying in bed reading, when I hear a pecular sound from the living room. Something that sounds like a kitten jumping up, and hitting the blinds. I storm out to the living room, she stares at me, and knows what is coming. Instead of running away, she hides her face in her paws and sits there. So the same routine goes down. I take her down, and smack her bum. Twice. This happens again the next day. Except she is getting a little smarter. She understands that if she jumps up there, and then sees me coming towards her, bad things will happen. So she will run around the house away from me. And away from the smack she is going to get for disobeying me. This morning I woke up with Bella by myside sleeping peacefully on the pillow beside me. And I realized something. I am like Bella. Things happen in my life, I suffer the consequences, and I still go back. Fully aware of what will happen with that choice. And yet, somehow I think I can outrun it. It's amazing how many times I try and outrun God. How many times I know that I shouldn't have done something. Why is it like that? Why do I run from the one person that wants to help me through life? Trust in the Lord with all your mind, soul, and strength. Isn't that what the Bible says? Here's the catch 22. I KNOW what God can do for you if you trust him. I KNOW what happens when you rely on Him for your finances. I KNOW all this. And yet, I still try and figure it out on my own, and run away when He comes around to help.

My Sister, My Friend

I have been thinking a lot lately about friendships. About the friends that I have had in my life, currently in my life, and just coming into my life. For some reason the subject has been on my mind a lot lately, and I have been wanting to blog about it, but couldn't find the words, until tonight.

I have always been blessed socially. I had amazing friends growing up, and I always manage to run into someone I know out in everyday life. Simply because I was active. I wasn't shy, and I loved spending time with people. Most importantly, I loved making them laugh, and being able to be there for them when they needed someone. I felt satisfied knowing that my friends turned to me when they were going through a hard time. My friendship circle has just gotten deeper in my late teens into my adult hood. I have a handful of friends that have been in my life 10+ years. We understand eachother. We turn to eachother. We love eachother. I never understood why this happened to me. Why I needed to be surrounded all the time by people I loved. Why it was hard for me to be alone. And why I, growing up had many many friends. Until tonight. As women, we crave friends. We need to have friends in our lives. It's in us. The craziest part is this. There is no way that your husband(if your married) or children can ever provide you with the relational satifaction and intimacy that you need. Sure, they are everything else for you. But there is something about women friends that draws us in. We need that relationship.

Things change when you get married, have children, move out. Circumstances change, situations change, and sometimes friendships change. But the best part is this. We can change with it. We choose to follow. We choose to stand up, and change with the world, and not lose what is precious to us. We adapt to things. I read in a book tonight, these two lines that floored me.

"Women friends become the face of God to one another- the face of grace, of delight, of mercy" (Captivating Pg. 404)
"When God gives a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart. It is a chance to mother and to sister, to be a life giver, to help someone else become the women she is created to be, to walk alongside her and call her deep heart forth"(Captivating Pg 405)

And I thought, that's it! To be entrusted with someone's heart. To be rational. To be lovely. To be delighed in. To be gracious. To be heavenly. A women's heart is a vast and beautiful thing. One that is complicated, beautiful, and worth seeking out. To be pursued. Friendship is worth fighting for. It's worth that extra 5 minutes to write someone a nice note. To call someone first instead of waiting for a call. To spend "face time" with eachother. It, like women's hearts need to be pursued. Needs to be nurtured. The line "to be a life giver" made me think really hard about it. Being a life giver is more than having children. It's a priveledge that we as women hold. Don't get me wrong, men are life givers too. It's that support that you need. It's that life altering touch. The mother's heart in all of us.

"Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God." Ruth 1:16

There are women in my life, who, have touched my heart in amazing ways. Who have held my hand, while we sit in silence and cry, totally understanding, that in that moment that's what I needed. Women that hug me a little bit longer, just because. There is understanding, love, mercy, grace, forgiveness. Friendships that have stood the test of time. Women who have blessed my life. To those women, I say thank you. Thank you for pursuing, for entrusting me with your heart. Friendship truly is a gift. Thank you friends, for being just that, my friends.

Life

Life. One word. Yet wrapt up in it means so much. I often think abot life. Remember. Laugh about. Cry about. Life. If you would have told me 6 years ago what my life would look like now, I would not believe you. To think about the things I have done, and accomplished, and let slip out of my fingers. And yet I think, really, is this my life? Wasn't I suppose to be married at 20, and kids at 23? Wasn't I suppose to go to school in the States on a full ride scholarship? Wasn't I suppose to be this amazing person who had everything together? Apparently not.

I had my life all figured out. I really did. I was going to do all the things listed above. I was going to go to University in the USA on a full ride scholarship. And there I was going to meet my husband, and we were going to move back to Canada. I was going to have everything figured out. Be responsible, be healthy, be good with money, and be organized, and have dinner ready on the table every night. And yet, I find myself, sleeping in till 11, doing nothing with my day, not working and frusterated. Two opposite ends of the spectra. I would never have imagined which of my friends married who they have, or that they would have the kids they do. Or that my parents were to move away, and I would be left on my own trying to figure out something that should have been figured out years ago. I would not have imagined the friends I still have, the ones I don't, and the new ones in my life.

There is an ache in my heart. I don't know what it is. I want to. But I don't want to spend the time figuring out what it is. I want to know now. I want to understand why my life has worked out this way. Why I have made the decisions I have. I want nothing more than to be the person that God created me to be. And yet I can't help feeling so far from it. Some days, I look at people in my life, the decisions I made, and think, why can't I have what they have? Why can't I have a family, and be skinny, and be in good relationship with people and God. Jealousy? I guess you can call it that. Frusteration? You can call it that too. All I know is that there is something much bigger going on in my life than just me. And I need to figure it out. I need to feel accomplished. Like, I have done something right with my life. My mom always says that life is a learning curve, but I don't understand why you need to learn everything the hard way!

Unchartered Waters

I have been living on my own for almost 10 months now. I have been paying my own bills, putting food in my fridge, and paying my rent on time. I am officially an adult, according to the age, and the responsibilities that are included in being an adult. And yet, at this very point in time, I feel intimidated. In unchartered waters so to speak. There is stepping out in faith... And then there is stepping out, totally missing the edge, and falling on your face. So when you feel confident about something, when you feel like this is the right thing to do, why is there so much doubt? Why do I feel so scared to step out, and do this? I find myself sitting here researching prices, and names on google. Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to try and start my own business? YES. Wait... WHAT?! God has put so many things in our lives. Our own special gifts, memories, families, friends, ideas. I want to think this is from God. But how am I to be sure? There is nothing that would make me happier than helping out Mom's. I think about it, and it makes me excited. I was born to serve people. I was born to work with children. To put the two of them together, sounds like it should be perfect. And yet I think, God I don't know how to do this! I don't know how to start my own business. To get out there, and get things done. To start a website, to charge people for helping them. AHHH

I have been working really hard lately to change the way I trust God, the way I look at myself, and the way I talk. So hard! Sometimes I feel like crawling into a hole, and just stay there for a long long time. Hoping that when I return out of it, my life will have been figured out for me, and decisions made. "I'm just going to do it!" and then " what am I thinking! How do I do that!!" MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN!!

I will step out in faith. I will start this business. And I will trust that the Lord will guide me through this.