Am I Worth It?

This past week in Interns, we had our regular "sexuality class" which we discuss pretty much anything from relationships to dating, to marriage, to respecting guys and girls. It's one of my favourite classes. This past week we were talking about what men can do to respect and cherish women, and what women can do to respect and cherish men. It was ensightful, and full of information. I found myself longing to have my question answered. "Am I worth it? Am I lovely?" I wanted not only to hear it from God, but to hear it from men. And not just any man, and I'm not looking to be validated, or because my self esteem is super low, and I need to be brought up. But because there is something so simple with a brother, boyfriend, husband, father, friend looking you in the eyes and saying you are worth it! You're worth every piece of happiness, your worth me fighting for you, your worth me carrying an extra 20 pounds of bags, or waiting an extra 30 seconds to have the door held open for you. This week I had a male friend of mine helping me move, and when they were leaving and I was thanking him for the thousandth time, he looked to me and said "You're worth it, Skye." Those 4 words sent me to the moon. Not because I am in love with the guy, or like him in that way, but because to hear him say that says you mean something to me. And you are worth the effort of lifting that heavy mattress, or carrying that extra bag. After they left, I went to my room, and sat on my bed in awe. How am I so lucky to have people in my life, brothers, and friends, fathers, and pastors in my life that think I'm worth it. To know that no matter what happens in my life, they will be there for me. They will be strong enough. They will be what I need to get me through that difficult time. That the strength that God has put into them will carry me through. Will be all the strength I need, nothing more and nothing less. God knew what we needed, he knew that as women we were strong enough to get through life. But he knew that we would need someone to look out for us, when life gets hectic. We needed someone who, everyday would say to us you are worth it all. You are worth the fight. He knew that the strength of a man is uncomparable. That they have what it takes. I want to say this to men everywhere. Thank you. To the man at the grocery store who waited to hold both doors open for me. To the Intern men who hold my bags everyday for me. To the Senior Pastor who takes the time out of his busy schedule to make sure that I'm ok. To the brothers that make sure that I am looked out for, and that no boy treats me unfairly. Thank you. To the women out there: make sure to say thank you to the men in your life. Whether it is your husband, significant other, brother, friend, or father take the time, look them in the eyes and tell them that they are strong enough. Thank them for making the effort to protect you. To look out for you, for having what it takes to win us over.

Love Letter

There is a hunger rising inside of me. I just want to be with You all the time. I want me heart to be shaped by Your will, and Your hands. I want You to be my everything. I want to worship You in everything thing that I do. With every breath, praise Your name. May every word spoken bring glory to Your name. Transform my life. Take charge. Like the clean feeling after a shower. Cleanse my life. I don't want the things in my past to affect my destiny, I want them to stay in the past. Today feels different. It feels like broken ground. It feels like I've waited for this my entire life. Expectations. Excitement. Love. Trust. BE MY EVERYTHING. I want nothing about my life to be normal. I want to live out my dreams. The dreams that You gave me The promises that You gave me. Your word does not return void. A promise, means a promise. Regardless of my circumstances, my decisions, my mistakes, my failures. YOU ARE GOOD! A Good Father. A renowned healer. A blessed redeemer. A loyal friend. Merciful saviour.

Dreaming With God

"I have a dream"... Famous words from a famous person. But this time, the words are coming from my mouth. I have a dream deep in my heart that has been there for years. I love this dream. And I want, more than anything, for it to come true. There's just one thing, God has told me to lay down this dream. To sacrifice it, and give it back to Him. It brings frusteration, tears, hurt, confusion, and questions. Frusteration because I don't want to give it up. Tears and hurt because I have had it for years. Confusion because I think God why did you give me this dream if you were going to ask me to lay it down? I know that God is faithful, and I know that He doesn't give things to us that we can't handle. Yet I find myself battling with my flesh everyday. And everyday I need to kill my flesh and tell myself that it is worth it. It's worth listening to the voice of God, and obeying His word, than to live a life of darkness alone. We are starting on week 4 of Interns, and I already feel like I have been through a war. This year our theme is "Dreaming With God." No coinsidence that I have been called into this year. Because I will lay this dream down, and either pick it up later, or find a new dream. I'm excited for the things to come, and I'm excited to walk with God through this process! As I travel the road to the next battle, the Lord is holding my hand and I know His faithfulness. And I know His love.

More Reasons To Trust

So, just finished the first week of Interns. And, well, it was, interesting. I don't say that to mean that the class sucks, or anything like that. It just hasn't hit home yet I don't think. I am amazed at these " kids" eager approach to this program. I am finding more and more reasons to lay down my life at the feet of God, and turn around and walk away. This week hasn't been easy for me if I'm being honest. It was one of those weeks where it was awesome, awesome, awesome and then it crashed down infront of me. And as always, I found myself questioning God. And asking "why". Why when you told me to do interns is this happening to me? Why does it feel like I can't get my head above water? And yet through it all, I hear God say, " just trust me." We had a teacher this week say to us, "the Holy Spirit won't take you along for the ride just to dump you off at the end of it." As I sat in the class room, I could feel my flesh rising up and trying to get into my head, and put doubt in. And put guilt in, and frusteration. I can say that I am frusterated with God. But simply because I feel like I am going around in a circle with this particular subject. And yet, every place in the Bible it says that we are to trust God, through it all. So today I made a decision... I no matter what the circumstance will trust the Lord. No matter what. I will CHOOSE to kill my flesh daily and trust. Trust in an unseen God. Trust in the One who has never let me down, and never forgotten about me. 

Have Your Way

Have you ever had one of those nights where everything just seems to come into perspective, and your positive outlook on life seems to crash down and land at your feet? We haven't even started interns, and I'm already stressing out about EVERYTHING. "Lord, I don't know how to be that kind of leader, I can't remember to do all that, I can't be that organized..." Tonight I stand at a cross road, I can either trust the Lord with everything I have. With my finances, and with my earthly abilities. Or I can take the other road and continues to freak out, and want to just give up and cry. Sometimes the pressures of life come crashing into my head, paying bills, keeping fit, paying bills, trusting the heart of God. I want so badly to take the road of trusting God, but it just feels like I have been in this same spot for forever. Finding a job seems to be an Olympic sport to me. It's like an impossible feet or something! I know that God provides, I know that he promised to be there. And yet tonight I feel so behind. I feel like I need to crawl under my bed and stay there for the rest of my life. I feel like I can never get my head above water with anything. It seems to be a constant battle with finances. I hate the thoughts of doubt that creep in while this is going on. "Well God, maybe interns really wasn't a great idea. I don't think you really thought this one through..." Trust in the Lord with all your heart. HOW!? God this feels impossible! I feel like everytime I blog, I have this amazing song that ties into my blog... And yet again, I have one. The Lord speaks to me through music maybe. This time it's a song by Britt Nicole.

Have Your Way
Feels like I've been here forever why can't you just intervein? Can you see the tears keep falling and I'm falling apart at the seams. You never said the road would be easy, but you said that you would never leave. And you never promised that this life wasn't hard, but you promised you'd take care of me. So I'll stop searching for the answers. I'll stop praying for an escape, and I'll trust you God with where I am and believe that you'll have your way. When my friends and my family have left me, and I feel so ashamed and so cold remind me you take the beautiful things and turn them into beautiful. So I'll stop searching for the answers. I'll stop praying for an escape, and I'll trust you God with where I am and believe that you'll have your way. Even if my dreams have died, and even if I don't survive I'll still worship you with all my life.

Love Has Called

Today, September 12, 2009. 4 days till Interns start.... I sit as I write this, in my new home. A home that God provided, my youth Pastor found, and that I love. I listen as my new sisters run around upstairs, and as the dog barks at them because she wants to join in. I sit and think "can this really all be happening?" Could I at 22 years old be thrust into an environment with two crazy sisters, and amazing parents? After having already "grown up" with my parents? Could I at 22 have a curfew? Have to ask permission to go out again, and make sure that I'm home in time for dinner, and be setting a good example for a 10 and 12 year old who watch my every move? It feels so wierd, and yet so natural. After 12 days, I already feel like they are my family. I feel attatched. I don't know what I would do without them. I will fight for them.

I don't know how it will happen, what the year will look like, how many times I will want to quit, how many times I cry or how many times frusteration will over take me. But I know this. I love the Lord, my Church, my leadership, and I long to see a generation changed. And I don't know a better place to start. Than in a class room, with 6 people that I don't really know, and 9 months of intense discipleship. I think about my two sisters who will soon be involved with youth, going to highschool, and growing up. It's worth fighting for. It's worth balling my eyes out on the floor, it's worth being so frusterated with life, doing fundraisers in the rain,it's all worth it. Because if we don't fight for the next generation, and for our generation than who will? If I don't fight for my sisters, than who will? If I don't prove to them that there is more to life than the boy that dumped water on them at lunch, or the friend that is talking about them behind their back, and that you don't have to dress that way, or look that way to be popular. That when the world turns its back on them, I won't. That they are beautiful, inside and out. That through it all, they are WORTH it. They are worth it all, the tears, and frusteration, the fight. Because someone once fought for me. Someone took the time, and proved to me that I was worth it. I will do the same for them.


1 Corinthians 13:7 " Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance"

Worship

I'm sitting in my room with worship music on, trying to worship and thoughts keep flooding my head. Things I need to do, things I need to remember etc etc. My heart hurts right now. Because I want and need to get into worship. I want so desperately to meet God everyday in worship, find a special place. Yet everytime no matter where I am, I find myself getting caught up in everything else but worship. I lift my hands at the right times, I jump on que, and yet I'm just another soul searching. I've done it a thousand times. Stood in Church, cried as a song touched me, stood listening to worship, and watched other people get touched by God. Of course there have been times when I have been touched by God in worship, and things happened. I need consistency, I need GOD. I don't need fancy worship songs, or amazing singers, or guitar players, I need GOD. Plain and simple. No one else can touch my life the way He can. I will praise you through this storm... Sometimes it blows my mind how hard I find it to get into worship. Sometimes I catch myself just staring into space standing there. There Lord will guide my footsteps, and I will win this battle. As of tonight, I will continue to worship, because that's what you do. You worship in spirit and in truth. We worship because He is worthy. And we worship because He is our GOD.

" Walk towards me, I want to hear, the heavens singing over you. When you breath look at me, I want to be captured by you. Gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. Slip your hand in mine, ask me to dance with you tonight, just ask me for my love. I want to hide what's deep in my eyes, I'm scared to be known by you. When I turn my head and see you there, I want to be pursued. Gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for me love. Slip your hand in mine, ask me to dance with you tonight. A dream I won't wake from, a story that will never end, the ground your feet walk on let me be there."
-Bethany Dillon For My Love