Dreaming With God

"I have a dream"... Famous words from a famous person. But this time, the words are coming from my mouth. I have a dream deep in my heart that has been there for years. I love this dream. And I want, more than anything, for it to come true. There's just one thing, God has told me to lay down this dream. To sacrifice it, and give it back to Him. It brings frusteration, tears, hurt, confusion, and questions. Frusteration because I don't want to give it up. Tears and hurt because I have had it for years. Confusion because I think God why did you give me this dream if you were going to ask me to lay it down? I know that God is faithful, and I know that He doesn't give things to us that we can't handle. Yet I find myself battling with my flesh everyday. And everyday I need to kill my flesh and tell myself that it is worth it. It's worth listening to the voice of God, and obeying His word, than to live a life of darkness alone. We are starting on week 4 of Interns, and I already feel like I have been through a war. This year our theme is "Dreaming With God." No coinsidence that I have been called into this year. Because I will lay this dream down, and either pick it up later, or find a new dream. I'm excited for the things to come, and I'm excited to walk with God through this process! As I travel the road to the next battle, the Lord is holding my hand and I know His faithfulness. And I know His love.

More Reasons To Trust

So, just finished the first week of Interns. And, well, it was, interesting. I don't say that to mean that the class sucks, or anything like that. It just hasn't hit home yet I don't think. I am amazed at these " kids" eager approach to this program. I am finding more and more reasons to lay down my life at the feet of God, and turn around and walk away. This week hasn't been easy for me if I'm being honest. It was one of those weeks where it was awesome, awesome, awesome and then it crashed down infront of me. And as always, I found myself questioning God. And asking "why". Why when you told me to do interns is this happening to me? Why does it feel like I can't get my head above water? And yet through it all, I hear God say, " just trust me." We had a teacher this week say to us, "the Holy Spirit won't take you along for the ride just to dump you off at the end of it." As I sat in the class room, I could feel my flesh rising up and trying to get into my head, and put doubt in. And put guilt in, and frusteration. I can say that I am frusterated with God. But simply because I feel like I am going around in a circle with this particular subject. And yet, every place in the Bible it says that we are to trust God, through it all. So today I made a decision... I no matter what the circumstance will trust the Lord. No matter what. I will CHOOSE to kill my flesh daily and trust. Trust in an unseen God. Trust in the One who has never let me down, and never forgotten about me. 

Have Your Way

Have you ever had one of those nights where everything just seems to come into perspective, and your positive outlook on life seems to crash down and land at your feet? We haven't even started interns, and I'm already stressing out about EVERYTHING. "Lord, I don't know how to be that kind of leader, I can't remember to do all that, I can't be that organized..." Tonight I stand at a cross road, I can either trust the Lord with everything I have. With my finances, and with my earthly abilities. Or I can take the other road and continues to freak out, and want to just give up and cry. Sometimes the pressures of life come crashing into my head, paying bills, keeping fit, paying bills, trusting the heart of God. I want so badly to take the road of trusting God, but it just feels like I have been in this same spot for forever. Finding a job seems to be an Olympic sport to me. It's like an impossible feet or something! I know that God provides, I know that he promised to be there. And yet tonight I feel so behind. I feel like I need to crawl under my bed and stay there for the rest of my life. I feel like I can never get my head above water with anything. It seems to be a constant battle with finances. I hate the thoughts of doubt that creep in while this is going on. "Well God, maybe interns really wasn't a great idea. I don't think you really thought this one through..." Trust in the Lord with all your heart. HOW!? God this feels impossible! I feel like everytime I blog, I have this amazing song that ties into my blog... And yet again, I have one. The Lord speaks to me through music maybe. This time it's a song by Britt Nicole.

Have Your Way
Feels like I've been here forever why can't you just intervein? Can you see the tears keep falling and I'm falling apart at the seams. You never said the road would be easy, but you said that you would never leave. And you never promised that this life wasn't hard, but you promised you'd take care of me. So I'll stop searching for the answers. I'll stop praying for an escape, and I'll trust you God with where I am and believe that you'll have your way. When my friends and my family have left me, and I feel so ashamed and so cold remind me you take the beautiful things and turn them into beautiful. So I'll stop searching for the answers. I'll stop praying for an escape, and I'll trust you God with where I am and believe that you'll have your way. Even if my dreams have died, and even if I don't survive I'll still worship you with all my life.

Love Has Called

Today, September 12, 2009. 4 days till Interns start.... I sit as I write this, in my new home. A home that God provided, my youth Pastor found, and that I love. I listen as my new sisters run around upstairs, and as the dog barks at them because she wants to join in. I sit and think "can this really all be happening?" Could I at 22 years old be thrust into an environment with two crazy sisters, and amazing parents? After having already "grown up" with my parents? Could I at 22 have a curfew? Have to ask permission to go out again, and make sure that I'm home in time for dinner, and be setting a good example for a 10 and 12 year old who watch my every move? It feels so wierd, and yet so natural. After 12 days, I already feel like they are my family. I feel attatched. I don't know what I would do without them. I will fight for them.

I don't know how it will happen, what the year will look like, how many times I will want to quit, how many times I cry or how many times frusteration will over take me. But I know this. I love the Lord, my Church, my leadership, and I long to see a generation changed. And I don't know a better place to start. Than in a class room, with 6 people that I don't really know, and 9 months of intense discipleship. I think about my two sisters who will soon be involved with youth, going to highschool, and growing up. It's worth fighting for. It's worth balling my eyes out on the floor, it's worth being so frusterated with life, doing fundraisers in the rain,it's all worth it. Because if we don't fight for the next generation, and for our generation than who will? If I don't fight for my sisters, than who will? If I don't prove to them that there is more to life than the boy that dumped water on them at lunch, or the friend that is talking about them behind their back, and that you don't have to dress that way, or look that way to be popular. That when the world turns its back on them, I won't. That they are beautiful, inside and out. That through it all, they are WORTH it. They are worth it all, the tears, and frusteration, the fight. Because someone once fought for me. Someone took the time, and proved to me that I was worth it. I will do the same for them.


1 Corinthians 13:7 " Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance"

Worship

I'm sitting in my room with worship music on, trying to worship and thoughts keep flooding my head. Things I need to do, things I need to remember etc etc. My heart hurts right now. Because I want and need to get into worship. I want so desperately to meet God everyday in worship, find a special place. Yet everytime no matter where I am, I find myself getting caught up in everything else but worship. I lift my hands at the right times, I jump on que, and yet I'm just another soul searching. I've done it a thousand times. Stood in Church, cried as a song touched me, stood listening to worship, and watched other people get touched by God. Of course there have been times when I have been touched by God in worship, and things happened. I need consistency, I need GOD. I don't need fancy worship songs, or amazing singers, or guitar players, I need GOD. Plain and simple. No one else can touch my life the way He can. I will praise you through this storm... Sometimes it blows my mind how hard I find it to get into worship. Sometimes I catch myself just staring into space standing there. There Lord will guide my footsteps, and I will win this battle. As of tonight, I will continue to worship, because that's what you do. You worship in spirit and in truth. We worship because He is worthy. And we worship because He is our GOD.

" Walk towards me, I want to hear, the heavens singing over you. When you breath look at me, I want to be captured by you. Gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. Slip your hand in mine, ask me to dance with you tonight, just ask me for my love. I want to hide what's deep in my eyes, I'm scared to be known by you. When I turn my head and see you there, I want to be pursued. Gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for me love. Slip your hand in mine, ask me to dance with you tonight. A dream I won't wake from, a story that will never end, the ground your feet walk on let me be there."
-Bethany Dillon For My Love

Blessed Life

It's Saturday afternoon, and I have just had the craziest week in my life. Craziest because God has taken me on such an amazing journey with my business. A journey that wouldn't have happened without it. I keep thinking to myself "God you know EVERYTHING!" I spent the week at PG Youth Camp. My main purpose: to look after two amazing kids. And yet every day I found myself touched by everything at that camp. I found myself on my face infront of God, having devotions with campers, laughing so hard that I couldn't breath, and forming amazing bonds with people. Things that wouldn't have happened had I hadn't started my business. My life has been changed, from a week at a camp with 20 kids that I didn't know going into it. Changed by the GRACE of God. And changed because I was desperate for Him.

There is a Shane and Shane called the answer. It describes perfectly how I feel at this moment. My life has been a viscious battle of good VS. evil. By that I mean, I know the answer, I know that I need to give my all to God, and yet, my flesh seems to win everytime. And this week I was broken, and made new. I woke up this morning, and felt like a new person. I felt like I won the battle. I don't know the point of this blog, there isn't a significant thing that I am trying to get at. But so many times I have gone through the motions. Gone through the Church services that rocked my life, where afterwards I was for sure going to change my ways. And then a week later, I am still back where I started. This is the difference, I didn't get rocked this week. It was emotional, although I did cry, it wasn't an emotional rollercoaster. It was a wake up call. It was my call. By God's grace, I have been pulled out of the garbage. Been pulled out of the comfort zone I was living in. There's no turning back. There's no giving up. I'm done playing games.

Here is the Shane and Shane song I was talking about. So simple, and so powerful.

i've tried more of me
and i've come up dry
trading You for things
things that go away
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of Youi have found the answer is
to love You and be loved by You
You crucify me and the world to meand i will only boast in You
i'm so satisfied
at the thought of You
growing up in me
covering everything my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You

Understanding The Heart

There are many things in life that I do not understand. I don't understand love. I don't understand the friends I have in my life. I don't understand math. I don't understand why I can never seem to get my act together, and be disceplined in my life. And I don't understand the yearnings (sp?) in my heart. There are so many things that my heart desires. To be the best possible daughter, friend, and listener. To one day stand before my friends and family, and get married. To have children of my own. To feel amazing about my self. And to be the person that God created me to be. Lots of other things as well.

I didn't understand why I had all these things inside of me. Why I had the unique name out of all my friends in school. Why I was abnormally tall. Why I was so good at sports. Or why, for some reason, everyone remembers me. I always thought that I was crazy for wanting some of those things. That some of them would never happen. And I realized that those things are there for a reason. They were put there by God. The craziest part is that they are promises from God. Promises to be great. Great in the things that He has given me. And that I am destined for. The heart is a crazy thing. Not many of us sit to pay attention to it. A fragile, delicate part of us. That has the ability to show people amazing things. And the ability to be crushed, so easily. Our heart is truly how we communicate. If we have a stone cold heart, than we, ourselves are cold, with no love. I communicate with people in my life based on the love I have for them in my heart. At the same time, the power the heart holds is incredible. Jesus said " I stand at the door and knock". The door of our heart. We have the power to open that door. We have the power to show people love, to bless them, to speak words of affirmation. Everyones heart is different, and yet, we were created for the same purpose. Love.

Read 1 Corinthians 13. Don't just read it. Absorb it into your soul. Into your heart. We were put on this earth to love (among other things.) Our greatest gift is love. " All for love a Father gave, for only love can make a way. All for love the heavens cried, for love was crucified."

Alive In This Moment

This evening, I discovered my old cd's. The cd's that my friends and I used to cruise around listening to in my car. Many many songs that bring back memories. Everything from Hillsongs, to Raze. Memories flooded my mind, tears filled my eyes. Many songs which I have shared with friends. Dear friends. Friends that sat in my car, and cried with me. Friends that rolled down the windows, turn up the volume, and sang along. And friends that sat in silence with me, as we let the Lord touch our hearts with these songs. There are several songs that play now, and my mind rushes back to the time and place that I have shared them with. Summers where, for all of it, we played the same cd over, and over again. And everytime we did, it touched us in a new way. And songs, that simply just bring tears to my eyes from the beautiful words. The true words. The words that, at that moment, seem to match up so well to my situation. Tonight, I discovered. Tonight, I remembered. Tonight, I cried. Not for my friends, but for my heart. My heart that for so long was struggling with issues. My heart, that was scared to get hurt. That didn't want to seem vulnerable, allowing myself to be open, and honest with my friends, and myself. My heart that for so long wouldn't let things goes. Wouldn't let people in. Wouldn't let one particular individual in. Tonight, I let Him in. I wasn't planning it. All I wanted to do was reload my iTunes with Christian music. To get my phone charged, and put the songs onto my phone. I don't know what the tears mean. I don't know why they fall down my face. I don't understand. I just know that I feel release. From something that I didn't even know was there.

"Once again, for the very first time, my eyes are opening." In this moment, I am found, I am alive, and I belong.

This is the song that I re-discovered. Read the lines. But not the sake of reading them. Let them captivate you.

Alive In This Moment- Starfield

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have said these words or cried these tears
And like a child would come I run into our secret place
And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

I am alive in this moment
In this moment I am found
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I belong

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have heard You speak or let You near
And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide
Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life

Here only one fire burns, it burns
Here only one melody is heard
Once again for the very first time
My eyes are opening

He Is Always Faithful

I had one of those "Ah ha!" moments today. One that I should have already had, and one that should not have been such a shocker to me! God is ALWAYS faithful. Sit, think, ponder. Cause really a lot of us will say " yeah, I totally knew that!" But take an extra minute, and think about what that really means. I looked up the word "Faithful" in the dictionary, to get a better grasp of things.

1. Strict or thorough in the performance of ones duty.
2. True to one's word, promises, vows
3. Steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant
4. Reliable, trusted, or beloved
5. Adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original

Here is the part that grabs me the most about these. All 5 of these explinations are God. This was dictionary.com that I found this. I didn't look it up in a bible reference, or anything to do with one.

A very close friend of mine (and many of you) is getting married on Saturday. She has been waiting her entire life for this moment. To walk down the isle, to a man that loves her unconditionally, with no boundaries. For who she is, what she represents, and her heart. She has faithfully been seeking God. She has faithfully been praying about marriage. And in everything she does, she believes that the Lord will come through. And in return He is faithful to her. Why do I say this? Simple, because no matter what God is faithful. Even if it takes years and years, He, will come through for us. He is true to his word. He will be faithful to be, and you, and her on Saturday. Faithfulness is wrapped up in Love. Because He loves us, He is faithful. Because I love my friends, I am faithful to them. Because I love my family, I am faithful to them.

Funny things

Often time I sit and think about life. Of course since I'm so old, and have much to think about! Life is an interesting thing. An adventure, a learning curve, an amazing story. This week I have been thinking a lot about God. About teachings, about praying, about trusting, about healing, and about love. I think about the fact that I have been not working for almost 2 months now. I think God is telling me to find another place of employment, bringing things up for me to do. And then I sit back and think, what if I am totally miss interpretting what God is saying. What if I am totally making things up in my head that sound good? What if I was suppose to return to work 6 weeks ago? What if? Which then brings me to the thoughts like, you need to trust God Skye. You need to realize that He is your provider. You need to remember everything you have learned in Church, Interns, life, circumstances, and from friends. And yet, I find myself still struggling SO much trying to trust God to be my provider. To understand that He will bring good things. And yet, I decide to continually run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to figure life out. On my own.

I have a 3.5 month of kitten. Her name is Bella. She is my baby. I love her with all my heart, and appreciate her unconditional love. Bella has finally discovered that there are hamsters sitting on our window ledge in the living room. But she isn't wanting to play with them, or eat them. She wants to sit up there beside them, and watch the world from up there. This is not the way it works in my house. If she is up there, she gets a smack. Two days ago, I discovered her amazing ability to jump from the ground to the window ledge. Which is a good 5 feet in the air. So, I took her down, used my angry voice, and smacked her on the bum. Twice. And said "No Bella, bad girl" So she coward away, and was very distraught with life. Later she came up to me, her normal loving self, cuddled with me while I watched tv. Later that night I am lying in bed reading, when I hear a pecular sound from the living room. Something that sounds like a kitten jumping up, and hitting the blinds. I storm out to the living room, she stares at me, and knows what is coming. Instead of running away, she hides her face in her paws and sits there. So the same routine goes down. I take her down, and smack her bum. Twice. This happens again the next day. Except she is getting a little smarter. She understands that if she jumps up there, and then sees me coming towards her, bad things will happen. So she will run around the house away from me. And away from the smack she is going to get for disobeying me. This morning I woke up with Bella by myside sleeping peacefully on the pillow beside me. And I realized something. I am like Bella. Things happen in my life, I suffer the consequences, and I still go back. Fully aware of what will happen with that choice. And yet, somehow I think I can outrun it. It's amazing how many times I try and outrun God. How many times I know that I shouldn't have done something. Why is it like that? Why do I run from the one person that wants to help me through life? Trust in the Lord with all your mind, soul, and strength. Isn't that what the Bible says? Here's the catch 22. I KNOW what God can do for you if you trust him. I KNOW what happens when you rely on Him for your finances. I KNOW all this. And yet, I still try and figure it out on my own, and run away when He comes around to help.

My Sister, My Friend

I have been thinking a lot lately about friendships. About the friends that I have had in my life, currently in my life, and just coming into my life. For some reason the subject has been on my mind a lot lately, and I have been wanting to blog about it, but couldn't find the words, until tonight.

I have always been blessed socially. I had amazing friends growing up, and I always manage to run into someone I know out in everyday life. Simply because I was active. I wasn't shy, and I loved spending time with people. Most importantly, I loved making them laugh, and being able to be there for them when they needed someone. I felt satisfied knowing that my friends turned to me when they were going through a hard time. My friendship circle has just gotten deeper in my late teens into my adult hood. I have a handful of friends that have been in my life 10+ years. We understand eachother. We turn to eachother. We love eachother. I never understood why this happened to me. Why I needed to be surrounded all the time by people I loved. Why it was hard for me to be alone. And why I, growing up had many many friends. Until tonight. As women, we crave friends. We need to have friends in our lives. It's in us. The craziest part is this. There is no way that your husband(if your married) or children can ever provide you with the relational satifaction and intimacy that you need. Sure, they are everything else for you. But there is something about women friends that draws us in. We need that relationship.

Things change when you get married, have children, move out. Circumstances change, situations change, and sometimes friendships change. But the best part is this. We can change with it. We choose to follow. We choose to stand up, and change with the world, and not lose what is precious to us. We adapt to things. I read in a book tonight, these two lines that floored me.

"Women friends become the face of God to one another- the face of grace, of delight, of mercy" (Captivating Pg. 404)
"When God gives a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart. It is a chance to mother and to sister, to be a life giver, to help someone else become the women she is created to be, to walk alongside her and call her deep heart forth"(Captivating Pg 405)

And I thought, that's it! To be entrusted with someone's heart. To be rational. To be lovely. To be delighed in. To be gracious. To be heavenly. A women's heart is a vast and beautiful thing. One that is complicated, beautiful, and worth seeking out. To be pursued. Friendship is worth fighting for. It's worth that extra 5 minutes to write someone a nice note. To call someone first instead of waiting for a call. To spend "face time" with eachother. It, like women's hearts need to be pursued. Needs to be nurtured. The line "to be a life giver" made me think really hard about it. Being a life giver is more than having children. It's a priveledge that we as women hold. Don't get me wrong, men are life givers too. It's that support that you need. It's that life altering touch. The mother's heart in all of us.

"Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God." Ruth 1:16

There are women in my life, who, have touched my heart in amazing ways. Who have held my hand, while we sit in silence and cry, totally understanding, that in that moment that's what I needed. Women that hug me a little bit longer, just because. There is understanding, love, mercy, grace, forgiveness. Friendships that have stood the test of time. Women who have blessed my life. To those women, I say thank you. Thank you for pursuing, for entrusting me with your heart. Friendship truly is a gift. Thank you friends, for being just that, my friends.

Life

Life. One word. Yet wrapt up in it means so much. I often think abot life. Remember. Laugh about. Cry about. Life. If you would have told me 6 years ago what my life would look like now, I would not believe you. To think about the things I have done, and accomplished, and let slip out of my fingers. And yet I think, really, is this my life? Wasn't I suppose to be married at 20, and kids at 23? Wasn't I suppose to go to school in the States on a full ride scholarship? Wasn't I suppose to be this amazing person who had everything together? Apparently not.

I had my life all figured out. I really did. I was going to do all the things listed above. I was going to go to University in the USA on a full ride scholarship. And there I was going to meet my husband, and we were going to move back to Canada. I was going to have everything figured out. Be responsible, be healthy, be good with money, and be organized, and have dinner ready on the table every night. And yet, I find myself, sleeping in till 11, doing nothing with my day, not working and frusterated. Two opposite ends of the spectra. I would never have imagined which of my friends married who they have, or that they would have the kids they do. Or that my parents were to move away, and I would be left on my own trying to figure out something that should have been figured out years ago. I would not have imagined the friends I still have, the ones I don't, and the new ones in my life.

There is an ache in my heart. I don't know what it is. I want to. But I don't want to spend the time figuring out what it is. I want to know now. I want to understand why my life has worked out this way. Why I have made the decisions I have. I want nothing more than to be the person that God created me to be. And yet I can't help feeling so far from it. Some days, I look at people in my life, the decisions I made, and think, why can't I have what they have? Why can't I have a family, and be skinny, and be in good relationship with people and God. Jealousy? I guess you can call it that. Frusteration? You can call it that too. All I know is that there is something much bigger going on in my life than just me. And I need to figure it out. I need to feel accomplished. Like, I have done something right with my life. My mom always says that life is a learning curve, but I don't understand why you need to learn everything the hard way!

Unchartered Waters

I have been living on my own for almost 10 months now. I have been paying my own bills, putting food in my fridge, and paying my rent on time. I am officially an adult, according to the age, and the responsibilities that are included in being an adult. And yet, at this very point in time, I feel intimidated. In unchartered waters so to speak. There is stepping out in faith... And then there is stepping out, totally missing the edge, and falling on your face. So when you feel confident about something, when you feel like this is the right thing to do, why is there so much doubt? Why do I feel so scared to step out, and do this? I find myself sitting here researching prices, and names on google. Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to try and start my own business? YES. Wait... WHAT?! God has put so many things in our lives. Our own special gifts, memories, families, friends, ideas. I want to think this is from God. But how am I to be sure? There is nothing that would make me happier than helping out Mom's. I think about it, and it makes me excited. I was born to serve people. I was born to work with children. To put the two of them together, sounds like it should be perfect. And yet I think, God I don't know how to do this! I don't know how to start my own business. To get out there, and get things done. To start a website, to charge people for helping them. AHHH

I have been working really hard lately to change the way I trust God, the way I look at myself, and the way I talk. So hard! Sometimes I feel like crawling into a hole, and just stay there for a long long time. Hoping that when I return out of it, my life will have been figured out for me, and decisions made. "I'm just going to do it!" and then " what am I thinking! How do I do that!!" MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN!!

I will step out in faith. I will start this business. And I will trust that the Lord will guide me through this.

Friends, and babies

So today, I spent the afternoon with a friend of mine, and her daughter. We really haven't had a chance to see a lot of eachother, and that makes me sad. I was sitting there watching her feed her daughter, and talk with her, and play with her. And all I could think about, and feel was gratitude, appreciation, and love. How it was possible, that, even after she cried non stop for almost an hour, she still loves her daughter. That even though she goes, and touches things she isn't suppose to, she still loves her daughter. That no matter what, that love with last. I often find myself at a house of a friend who, is married, and with children. I also often find myself, sitting and thinking about the fact that 5 years ago, these amazing women were simply, just my friends. That 5 years ago, we could call eachother up, and say, hey, lets go out tonight and do something crazy. Or lets go just for fun across the border to see my family for an hour, and then come back and be late for our curfews. Or I had a really rough day, can we talk? And now, here I sit in their living rooms, watching them play with their children, or discipline their children while their husbands are hard at work. And the most amazing thing about this is, that none of them say no to me when I ask to hang out. None of them will say, oh Skye, you know what I'm really busy, and I'm a Mom now, and don't have time for you. No. They welcome me into their homes. It's hard for me to believe that out of my entire Church family friendship circle, I am one of the only ones left that isn't married. Which, is fine by me, but how quickly life changes. Life changes fast. It makes amazing changes, life altering changes, and if you don't hurry up, you'll miss the train. I admire my friends, I admire the choices they make, the life they have chosen, and that above all, they listen to the voice of the Lord. I find it amazing to watch them discipline their children, to watch them step up into the role of a Mom so naturally. This is what life is about. Embrassing change. Embrassing friends with babies. And, embrassing love. For without friends, and without love there would be no joy.

Teaching About Prayer

This morning I woke up, and felt an urge in my Spirit. I couldn't explain it, and couldn't understand it. But I went to the kitchen table, took my laptop out, and put some worship music on. I took out my Bible, and notebook, unsure of what to read, or write down. I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with God. How frusterating it can be for me. How much I want to be closer. And how to get there. This morning I realized why I have been stuck in the same rut my whole life. I don't know how to have devotions. Silly? Maybe. But true. I have been in Church my whole life. Raised in a good Christian home, even went to Interns. And yet, give me a Bible, and a notebook, or worship music, and I am stuck. I couldn't believe it. It makes me feel like a bad Christian! And yet I know that devotions, and time with the Lord is a key element to having a relationship. Just like any relationship in your life. It takes time. So, here I was time on my hands, worship music playing, and my Bible infront of me. Now what Lord? Well being the brilliant person I am, I thought, probably opening my Bible would be the smartest thing. So I opened it up, randomly, to any page. This is where I turned...

Luke 11 "Teaching about Prayer"
( Oh Lord, your so funny! Of course I would turn here is what I thought) The verse that stood out to me.

11:9-10 " And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will recieve what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door with be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

I love how God works. I love that no matter what, he has our back. That there is encouragment when we need it. And support where we turn. We serve a great God!

Heart Of Worship

I have been reading the book "Captivated" by Stasi Eldredge. If you haven't read it, you should pick up a copy. It has come to my realization through reading this book that, there are a lot of things wrong in my life. I could have told you that without reading the book, but the book has just emphasized it. I have been focusing so much of my energy lately on the things that are going wrong in my life. My job, my finances, my relationship with God. Anything and everything that one could worry about, I'm doing. And yet, I wonder why nothing is going right in my life. How it seems like nothing can line up, and work out the way its suppose to. Then I read this line in the book today... "Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. " (Hos. 2:6-7) So in other words, God will thrawt our efforts to find life apart from him. Wow. Simple, yet it still floors me. I have often struggled with thoughts like, I can do this on my own. Sure it's great to have God in my life, but I am an adult, I should be able to make things happen on my own. And yet, I always longed for a deeper, intimate relationship with God. 

We continually ask God to be our provider, and help us through situations, and yet, when things worked out the way we had been praying they will, we are in shock. " I can't believe that we found a house that we wanted, with everything for so cheap!" Or " I found the greatest car" etc etc. And yet, I sit here writing this wondering, why is nothing going the right way in my life! Why can I not find a  job, or why has my WCB not kicked in? Why am I continually every month faced with a dead line of finances, and unable to meet it? I want more than anything to rely on God to be my provider, and yet, I have the hardest time believing that things will work out the way they should. Even though there are so many testiments in my life about how the Lord has brought favour to my life... Oh yeh of little faith...

Oh Lord, guide my footsteps!!

Beautiful Love.

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, and I don't know if I have a point to this blog, or if it is just to get my thoughts out, and be vulnerable.

As little girls some of us grow up wanting to become princesses, some to be queens, and some dream about the day that they walk down the isle and get married. I personally wasn't one of those girls. I mean sure I do dream about the day that I get married, but I don't have it all planned out in my head from when I was little. These feelings, and dreams have only just come about in the past few years.

Growing up, I had a great life, I was blessed with good social skills, and quickly became popular, and everyone loved me. I look back at this now, and I truly believe it wasn't because of my "social skills" but I 100% believe it to be 2 things. My Mom, doing an AMAZING job raising me, and the Lord. I'm sure your all nodding your heads saying "duh Skye, how else do you have success in your life." But this is the thing, I don't say this to be boastful (sp?) or pump my ego up, but you can ask many of my friends, or parents; people remember me. They remember me from sports, or being the tallest girl they ever knew. But mostly, they remember me for my personality, and the love I show people. The Lord truly blessed me with the ability to touch peoples lives in a very unique and special way. I was never considered to be a "hottie" as some teens call it, but I was always considered one of the boys. I grew up, dressing, acting, and hanging out with boys. Although I do have a solid core of girl friends from elementary who I still have a strong friendship with today. I'm am now 22 years old, and I find myself still dressing, sometimes acting, and hanging out with boys. See some kids when they grow up, have something that they are attatched to for security. i.e a security blanket, stuffed animal, or a family pet. My security was dressing like a boy. I find that when I put those guys clothes on that even if I was made fun of, it didn't matter. Because I had chosen to dress this way. I had chosen to act like one of the guys. To be heavily involved with sports, and cars, and things of guys nature. But the truth of the matter was it was tearing my up inside. I constantly found myself everyday whether it was elementary or high school surrounded by gorgeous girls, who dressed beautifully. Many of whom are my best friends today. I felt often times like the ugly duckling in my group. I was always set apart. I dressed differently, never had a boyfriend, never drank, or went to parties, and was very sensitive towards situations. You would never know to look at me, or even talk to me, but I was screaming inside. Deep down somewhere, I know there is a little girl that wants to be treated like a princess, that wants to be swept away by her prince. And yet at age 22 I am still struggling with this issue.

What does it mean to be beautiful? Beautiful people, beautiful cars, beautiful scenery... beautiful heart. Why is it that today, women as a gender have such a struggle believing they are beautiful. And I'm not talking about worldly women. I'm talking about Christian women. We were created in the image of the most gracious, loving, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL God. What does that mean to us? That means that we have the ability inside our hearts to be gracious, and loving, and wonderful, and BEAUTIFUL. And yet most of us run at the thought of embrassing beauty. The thought of beauty scares me. Not because I don't want to be beautiful, but because beauty means you have to be vulnerable. You have to let someone in to love you.

Anyone can put clothes on, and be beautiful. Put makeup on and be stunning. I have watched friends go through phases in their lives. Whether it be discovering their taste in clothes, dealing with things, and overcoming boundaries. And yet I find myself stuck in the same phase. Unable to allow myself to be beautiful. Unable to allow God to work on my heart, to make me beautiful. I want someone to fight for me. Fight for my heart, fight for everything that I believe in. And yet, I won't take the steps to get there. I won't go through the fire.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

What is going on?! Part 2

I have a confession, an appology, and a question. First I must confess that after I posted this blog, I felt a little guilty. Something occured to me that didn't at the time of writing. I am not a mother!! DUH! But the reason I say this is because, me not being a mother, does that make it wrong for me to have written about motherhood, and children? Which brings me to my appology, I am sorry if I have come across assuming that things really aren't hard being a mother. Which brings me to my question, does that mean that because life is hard, and because being a mother really is a full time, intense job that it gives you the right to be selfish, and still believe that your life really is about you, and not your children? And let your bitterness harbour inside your heart, to the point where it floods the lives of your children, and your husband.

I also want to point out that, although it says otherwise in my blog, I know that the 3 women I mentioned are not saints. And have days, that they don't get along with their kids, and do feel like they can't do it anymore. But this is the difference between those 3 women (and many of you women, and amazing moms) and the mothers I saw on TV. Grace. I believe that as Christian women/mothers/sisters/daughters/friends that there is a place in our hearts that God covers with Grace. With the ability to have a strength unlike any other, and the humbleness to admit that we are wrong, or need help. The fact that we can go to the throne of God, and ask for his help, and forgiveness. I know that you Bonnie, Heidi, Jen, Stacey, Christy, Misty, Dawn have rough days, and that I am not one to sit here, and point fingers, or judge, or say that you are all perfect. Because in reality, none of us are. I don't want to put a point across and make it fake, or false. But this I do know. You are AMAZING women, mothers, and friends. I watch you with your families, your children, and your husbands, and I know that is the way the Lord intended families to be.

When I wrote that blog this was my intention; to prove that children are a blessing. The Lord said it, and wants it to be that way. But there is room for Grace, and for days when you want to rip your hair out. That the world has twisted so many of the good things in the world. But now childen? So again, I appologize if it offended anyone in thinking that it's a holiday to be a mother, but you all are doing an amazing job.

What is going on?!

I have been watching TV lately, and I have noticed a patern. I have noticed that more and more people are talking about babies, and kids. Just two weeks ago I was watching the Oprah show, and the theme was the Mom show. And on the screen were dozen of Mom's from all over the United States. But here's the thing that desturbed me the most about this show. These Mom's weren't gloating and gushing over their beautiful babies and children. They were infact doing the exact opposite. Almost every woman was talking about how they hated to be mothers, they hated waking up every morning and having to deal with their children. It's about at this point where my jaw dropped, the anger fused inside me, and I thought I was going to exploid. WHAT! How can you say that?

One mother went as far as to say that she didn't love her husband, and actually hated him because he "did this to her." SAY WHAT! Another said that she refuses to have sex with her husband because she is so scared of getting pregnant again. Oprah proceeded to make it look like we should be feeling sorry for these women, who were going through this amazingly hard time raising children. No way sista I am not falling for that! I'm pretty sure that in my Bible it says that children are a blessing. Did I read that correctly? I couldn't believe what I was watching, and witnessing. It made me want to shut the TV off, but I couldn't do it.

Then I was watching TV the other day, but this time it was Tyra Banks. Her topic was teen pregnancy. She began the show with a stage full of girls all of whom were still virgins. She went through the stage asking every girl about their choice. Some saying that they didn't want to get pregnant. Others saying they hadn't met the right guy. And one girl said that she was saving herself for marriage. Then their friends, and or boyfriends came onto the stage, and one of the girls friends was pressuring her to have sex. Saying " just do it to get it over with." I'm sorry, are those the people that are influencing our young generation? The show continued and featured a girl who was trying to get pregnant (at 17) and lieing to her boyfriend about being on birth control. Another 5 girls sat on the couch, all pregnant, ranging from the ages of 13-19 years old.

I read in a book recently that we as girls, and woman are the essence of God. The ESSENCE! And yet young girls are being taught that it's ok to bring a baby into the world without being married, and at the age of 13. " Oh we will deal with it when it happens" HOW ABOUT NOT LETTING IT HAPPEN! As I was listening to the women complaining on Oprah about their hard lives as a Mom. And then I think about Bonnie, who at the age of 23 had twin boys. Or about her sister Jen who has a little girl that has a personality of her own, and some days Jen is very frusterated. Or about Heidi who is about to get married to a man who already has 2 boys. And I never hear anything about how hard they have it. Instead I hear nothing but praises, and love, and gushing over their babies. Today when I walked into the portable at church Samuel and Micah were there, and it took one look at them, and their smiles on their faces grew, and my heart melted! How can we as a society think that children are such a burden! How did this change, how is it so twisted!

Since I was little, I have wanted a big family, with lots of kids, and lots of people around to love on my kids. And yet I sit on the couch and watch as the world destroys the vision of children, the true purpose. If you let them, children can touch your life in a way that no other person can. If you let them into your life, you will learn so much about what it means to have faith like a child. In the same reason that a baby has so much trust in the person that is holding them. Knowing that you won't drop them. Or knowing that you love them so much, that no matter what they do, no matter was the outcome, love will still conquer.

Faith like a child, a very blessed, and loved child.

Remebering

This is a weekend we all remember. Some remember it because its a 4 day weekend, and others for the chocolate, and the bunnies, and the candy. But for some of us, this weekend is more than all of that. It's about remembering a point in history 2000 years ago that would change all our lives...forever. It's about a Saviour who, so unselfishly died for us all. And with 3 simple words rendered the power to with-hold all sin.

This weekend I am lucky enough to be up in 108 Mile Ranch visiting my parents. And on Good Friday, we went to a Church service. And the Pastor said something very interesting that caught my attention. He said " We remember what Jesus did for us 2000 years ago for us. But what about remembering what He does for us everyday?" WOW. Really? That simple? DUH SKYE! Jesus paid the ultimate price by dieing on that Cross, so why do we only remember that once a year? Or when we have really screwed up and we have to ask for forgiveness? Or when we are witnessing to someone, and tellling them about Him? We need to remember what Jesus did, and thank him every day. That doesn't mean that we walk around and all we talk about is Him dieing on the cross (unless of course that's the way you run things). It means that I have to be thankful that everyday, I can come to His throne, and fall at my feet and ask for forgiveness, or strength, or courage, or hope, or faith because He paid that price for ME.

I was standing on my parents porch today, looking out to 108 lake, and all the beautiful trees thinking about this crazy sacrifice. It's so peaceful up here that I forget a lot of things living in a city. Where I'm constantly rushing to get things done, and get places. Constantly trying to get ahead in life. What for?

Mathew 6:19-21 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

So often I find myself working so hard for the thing of this world. I forget that Jesus is my provider, and that I can do all things through Christ strengthens me. I need to remember Christ, and I need to remember what he did 2000 years ago.

Happy Easter.

Love.

There's a song by Natasha Bedingfield that says " Someone just tell me that its ok now. What are you worrying about? Got my dreams, got my life, got my love, got my friends, got the sunshine above, why am I making this hard on myself when there are so many reasons to be happy."

I find myself so many times being thrown back into reality, and reminded that life is a learning curve. If we were suppose to have all the answers, we would have been handed a manual. That there are so many things in life to be happy, and thankful, and feel blessed.

Bonnie and I hang out once a week; and during that time, when I look at her boys, I think to myself "this is what life is about." Taking time out of busy schedules, bad moods, hectic times to come back, and be home. To watch two 4.5 month old boys figure out the essence of life. To watch them sit on your lap, and be so innocent, and laugh at everything you do, even if its the simplest thing ever. To watch them look at Bryan and Bonnie, and know that they are their parents. To see that when I walk into that house, they look at me, and get the biggest smiles on their faces. To watch everyones face light up when those two boys are in the room. I'm reminded every week I go there; that it's not about finishing the race first, or making the most money, or having the biggest house, or best job. It's about love. It's about family. It's about spending time. So simple, yet so rewarding. Yet why do we spend so much time worrying about everything else in life? Why is it that I concern myself so much about things like money, and jobs? Don't get me wrong, that's important. But so many of us have our priorities so messed up. We live day to day, just to get through one day, and get to the next. Instead of cherishing moments that fly by so fast. Where's the fire? When did we lose track of what made us happy, and filled our hearts? If home is where the heart is, then why do so many of us spend so much time away from it? Why do I wake up with a bad attitude? Why do I constantly complain about things in my life, instead of being thankful? How can something so simple, fill me so much? Is that the essence of love? How can two little boys teach me so much about life? About love? About what it truly means to treasure each moment?

Love. A word so powerful, it can bring a Nation to it's knees. Tears to a grown mans face. Healing to a broke heart. Forgiveness to the unforgivable. A smile on a strangers face.


1 Corinthians 13

Love Is the Greatest

1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!

Second Chances

This is one of the hardest parts for me.. Where do I start with so much information, and so many thoughts that I have in my head. So much change in just one day, how do I put that all in this little space? Here is where my heart is.... AHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT DO I DO?!?! Shall I explain a little more?

My biological Father has come back into my life... I think. I got a random message from him on Facebook the other day, and then we started to talk. Which if you know me, you know this is a big deal. There is more to the story than I am going to say. He wants to be back in my life, and wants to have a relationship with me. My head is saying " No Skye, he has hurt you too much, and you will just get hurt again if you go into this." But my heart is yearning for a relationship with him. And then I am struggling with the feelings that I don't want to replace my step Father who has, for the past 14 years been the most amazing Dad to me. He has asked for me to forgive him, and to start over... How do I do that? How do I take all the hurt, and pain, and tears from the past 22 years, and forgive a man who, in some peoples eyes doesn't deserve a second chance to be a Father. I made a decision yesterday after talking to him, that I was going to make him suffer in a way to gain a relationship with me. He was going to have to gain my trust, and jump threw hoops to have a relationship with me. And that was final. Until I was standing in the shower thinking about this intense totally random conversation with my Father. And I thought to myself, sure that's a great way to start, he deserves to go through some pain for all the pain he caused me; and then I thought, is that what God wants me to do? Is that the essence of forgiveness? Does forgiveness means that you hang the wrong doing over that persons head, until they have jumped through enough hoops for you to be satisfied? Does it mean that you make them pay for doing wrong towards you? When God forgives us, is it conditional? 

Psalms 103:2-5 " Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

The Bible tells us to forgive like God forgives us. It also says to TRUST in the Lord with all your heart mind and strength.  I have been praying for healing in regards to my Father. And then when the opportunity is dropped in my lap, I feel like dropping it, and running for the hills. How do we have a right to decide who we can forgive, and who we can shun for the rest of our lives? How can we say " God teach me how to be merciful, and forgive, and slow to anger like you" And yet when he gives us a chance, we laugh and say yeah right I'm not doing that! How can I sit here, type these words, and believe that this happening in my life is from God, and yet be terrified to forgive? How can I reserve the right to decide what my heart needs, and what it doesn't, when God knows me better than I know my self? 

Does everyone deserve a second chance? Do we deserve a second chance after we have screwed up? Does someone deserve a second chance at love? Does a criminal deserve a second chance at life? Does a Father deserve a second shot at loving a daughter? The world says no, what does God say?

Grateful

I feel like when I write these blogs, that they have to be inspiring, or that i need a couple days to think about what I will write about before posting... But these truly are my thoughts, my heart, my vulnerability laid out for everyone to see... Is that the purpose of these things? To write what you truly believe and truly feel, without having to face the world? To just simply type letters on a keyboard, and click the "publish post" button, and BAM everyone can read, and you can be honest without having to go through anything, without having to actually deal with life.. Have we taken for granted the ability for a friend to be there for us? I have. I constantly find myself, saying " Oh I don't want to be a burden on you" or " Well I don't want to intrude". Can we not take what people say for what they really mean? I can't. I find myself, constantly trying to reassure myself that my friends are my friends because they love me. Not because I do things for them. Or not because I give them gifts. No, they are my friends because they love who I am. Then why all the insecurity? Why do I constantly take things/people in my life for granted? 

Life is a gift, and a blessing. But how often do we stop and think about how blessed we are for the things in our lives? We constantly are running around needing to get things done, and things accomplished to feel gratification. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we all need to sit inside our houses and dwell on the good things in our lives. Things do need to get done, and erands do need to be run. What I am saying however is how many days do you find yourself rushing around with a chicken with your head cut off not leaving enough time to enjoy life for what it is? I know I do. Please understand my heart in this situation. I am not bashing people who have busy lives, because mine is busy as well. I am just as much guilty of this as anyone else is. It blows my mind how much stuff my generation takes for granted. The love of a family member, the faithfulness of a spouse, the heart of a friend who just wants to see you happy and succeed. All we want is the newest gadget, or the fastest car, the highest rate of pay at our job. It humbles me every week, when I come hang out with two friends who could care less about the things of this world. But who live for God, one another, and their children. Sure there are things in between that fill the gaps, but those three are the most important. That truly is the most important things in life. People got by for hundreds of years without cell phones, or computers, or tv's, but simply by the company of a neighbour, or friend. Why has our generation clouded so much of what's important, with so much garbage?

Life really truly is a blessed gift, yet most of us chose to live it like it's a burden on our shoulders, that we have to get through... (me included)

 

Life...

I am surrounded by wonderful family, amazingly friends, and great opportunity. I have had a good life. A good upbringing, and great parents. Yet I feel like something is missing. Like I'm not capturing all the opportunities that I'm suppose to be. I feel like I'm just existing... Not really living. Sometimes I lay in bed just before I go to sleep, and I have a rush of all these great ideas, and great things I want to do with my life, and then I wake up, and they are all gone, and the modivation do them is gone as well.

I spent a wonderful day today with 2 of my best friends, who really challenge me everytime I see them. Who really make me think about things in my life, and the way I am living it. I appreciate that about them. I appreciate that I know whenever I see them I can ask them anything and get their honest opinion, and have great conversation about real things in life. Not about the weather, or the canucks, or about how cute their babies are... But about LIFE. Real, sometimes hard, often frusterating, but always rewarding life. The ability to learn from people in your life is so incredible, yet most of us miss it, or take it for granted. We seek the opinion, or counsel or someone on TV, some big TV star, or some magazine that claims to know the answers to all of life's questions. Why search so high and low, and get answers from someone who doesn't know you, or know how to support you? Why do we, as a generation need so badly to be comforted with image? To make sure that we look good, have the latest style, or name brands, and the right music in our car? Why can we not just accept, and embrass who were created to be?

I don't claim to know all the answers, and I struggle with many of these things myself. And to be honest, I'm sick of it. I hate living in a world that says you need to be a certain weight, or look a certain way, or even talk a certain way. And yet, knowing what I know about God's grace, and goodness, I still struggle with the worldly views. UGH!!